


Where Do We Begin

by HMK



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Post-Canon, TAZ Balance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-19
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-10-12 15:21:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17470085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HMK/pseuds/HMK
Summary: Lost things have a way of coming back, one way or another, and endings are just another word for new beginnings.





	1. Two Can Keep A Secret If One Of Them Is Dead

**Author's Note:**

  * For [epersonae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/epersonae/gifts).



> Happy Candlenights epersonae! 
> 
> I...am so sorry that this is not going to be a sweet one-shot like I'd intended. I ran and played with incorporating too many of your prompts and now I have a monster of a fic and so I guess this is the gift that keeps on giving?

“He looked like someone stepped on his face as a kid or something.”

“Let’s be honest, Magnus probably _did_ step on his face at some point.”

“It was probably an improvement on the original, let's be honest.”

“What’s the point of talking about his face when it isn’t attached to the rest of his body anymore?”

Lucretia watches Taako, Merle, Carey, and Killian talk spiritedly at each other as they head out of her office. The beginning signs of a migraine rattle at her temples, but a smile persists on her face, nevertheless. It’s a bittersweet feeling, she thinks, knowing that this was probably the very last mission that Taako and Merle would ever carry out in conjunction with the Bureau. The bittersweet feeling is overwhelmed by a sense of finality and triumph, though, with the knowledge that Magnus’ revenge has been laid to rest and that Kalen is _dead._

A few weeks ago, she had gotten word that someone very Kalen-esque had popped up in some out-of-the way settlement nestled in a mountain pass. It had been a week’s work to have Carey go and gather some intelligence in the area before she felt confident enough to reach out to Taako and Merle with the information. From there, those two had partnered up with Killian and Carey to go hunt Kalen down and deliver justice on Magnus’ behalf. Lucretia’s fingers itch with the regret of not having torn the man from limb to limb herself, but she will just have to be content with the knowledge that Magnus’ enemy is dead.

The four of them had returned to the Moon Base in the middle of the night and she had received them in her office immediately upon arrival, eager to hear the details. In all honesty, she is still trying to untangle the four reports she had received simultaneously from the still-hyped foursome. From what she _could_ gather, they had cornered Kalen in his study, killed him, and then burned his fortress to the ground.

“Very subtle.” Lucretia had told Carey dryly. “So very rogue of you.”  

Carey had just grinned in response. “It seemed a Magnus thing to do.” She’d retorted good-naturedly and Lucretia had had nothing to say to that.

And now it’s over. She can go back home to Magnus, knowing that the balance the world owes him is just a little bit smaller. She pulls her shoulders back and cracks her spine, ready to call it a night and head out herself, when she realizes that Killian is back in her office. She can hear three voices moving down the hall, so it isn’t as though anyone was waiting for her. She tilts her head and gives Killian her full attention.

“Did you need something, Killian?”

Killian looks pensive, a slight frown furrowing her forehead. “You know...at the very end, boss, he said something kind of weird.”  

There is no need to explain who she means by _he._

Lucretia sobers and leans forward. “What was it?”

“I mean, he might have just been full of shit.” Killian starts, hesitantly. “But right before Taako lit him up, he knew he wasn’t going to make it. There was no way he didn’t. But he just, he laughed. Said that even if everything ended, Magnus was never going to know and that meant he’d won.”

It’s Lucretia’s turn to frown. “Magnus is never going to know...is he talking about the fact that Magnus doesn’t remember Kalen? But why would Kalen know that Magnus had given his memory of him? Besides the IPRE and Kravitz, the only people who know that were just standing in this room. I can’t imagine any of us would have leaked that information, especially to Kalen.”

“Exactly.” Killian says, looking unhappy. “It’s been bothering me the entire time we were heading back up here, and I can’t figure out what he meant. It might be nothing, just a dying man’s bluff. It’s just...I can’t shake the feeling that something big is heading our way.” Killian looks lost in thought for a long while before shaking her head. “Just...keep an eye on our boy, ma’am?”

“Of course.” Lucretia says softly. “Always.”

Killian nods at her and Lucretia dismisses her before lapsing into her own thoughts.

If there is something that Lucretia knows, it’s secrets. A secret is only important when there’s someone that doesn’t know and something being hidden, which means that she’s missing something. She almost regrets letting the foursome completely wreck the hell out of Kalen’s home, or else she could have checked to see if that megalomaniac had written any diaries or reports down. A suspicion begins to take form in Lucretia’s mind, but she dismisses it immediately. It’s impossible, after all. 

* * *

 

But impossible things, to be honest, have a way of being proven possible in Lucretia's life, and so the suspicion festers and continues to bother her for the next few days.

“Is everything all right?” Magnus asks her at breakfast, a week later. Lucretia blinks, realizing that she must have spaced out while he was speaking to her. She’d just been looking at the light discoloration on his left hand, wondering about impossible things. 

“Everything’s fine.” She says lightly, and Magnus reaches across and scoops her hands in his.

“I don't believe you, Lucy.” He tells her, a slight frown on his face. Lucretia looks at him for a long moment before bringing their linked hands to her lips, dropping a fond kiss on his knuckles.

“I love you.” She says simply, and thankfully, it’s enough to distract Magnus.

“That’s embarrassing.” He grins at her, and she smiles up at him and prays that these moments last forever.

* * *

 

In the end, the suspicion is stronger than her certainty, and Lucretia goes down to the town that Kalen had escaped to all those years ago.

It’s a quaint town, she concludes after an afternoon of bar and bakery hopping (all in the name of gathering information, she justifies to herself), with some very relieved and very angry people. Revenge, she is realizing, hadn’t been just theirs to take. There had been undercurrents of rebellion running through the town long before Taako, Merle, Carey, and Killian had ever arrived. Kalen’s tyranny had upset a great deal of people and the sudden murder of their mayor meant that there were now a town of angry people with nowhere to let loose their frustrations.

Exhibit A, the crowd of very disgruntled citizens talking about all the wrongs that their former mayor had wrought on them and how they were never going to get their pound of flesh from him now.  Lucretia frowns, unsure of how to proceed in handling this particular situation. Maybe she should have Taako come down and chat with them, she muses dryly to herself. They can all have an unresolved anger association together.  

“I’m just glad that karma finally caught up with the bastard.” A loud female voice rings out from the middle of the crowd on the other side of the bar, and Lucretia looks up, startled out of her thoughts.

And stares at the woman who had spoken, a woman with a vibrant expression and dark auburn hair. Teeth gleam white against tanned skin, a challenging and mischievous expression on a face designed to smile, as she laughs and chats animatedly with the people around her.

Lucretia can not say that she _knows_ this woman, not really, but she recognizes her for all that. How could she not, when she’s heard Magnus talk in detail about this beautiful, strong woman who’d taught him what it meant to put down roots and fight? How could she not recognize the dimples that Magnus had spoken of so fondly, or the hazel eyes that Magnus had drowned in once.

She doesn’t know when she’d pushed her chair back, but somehow she’s already on her feet, calling across the beer hall,

“Julia?”


	2. Chapter 2

The bar does not go silent as Lucretia, deliriously, had been afraid it would. Instead, a few people around the woman-who-looks-like-Julia-ten-years-later glance over at Lucretia before nudging the woman-who-she-desperately-hopes-is-Julia at the bar. She, in turn, exchanges some quieter words with her companions before stepping away from the crowd to walk towards Lucretia’s table. Her steps are steady and bring her to Lucretia before she can decide that this is a mistake and flee. 

“I’m sorry, do I know you?” The woman-who-may-or-may-not-be-Julia asks warily and Lucretia is almost surprised that she has to think about the answer for a moment. Technically, everyone in the world knows her and it’s not as though this is the first time she’s seen Lucretia…though the last time Lucretia had lain eyes on Julia had been nearly a decade ago. 

“No, I don’t believe so.” She says. There is no reason Julia would recognize her. The last time she had seen her, she had still been young and she’d never written her older appearance into her journals.

The woman-who-Lucretia-wishes-would-confirm-that-she-is-Julia looks disappointed for a moment. “I thought...you looked familiar, so-”

“Just one of those faces, I’m afraid.” Lucretia interrupts, bright and brittle. The other woman arches an eyebrow and gives Lucretia a once-over. 

“No, I don’t think that’s it.” She says dryly. “So, you know me?” 

“No.” Lucretia says decisively, and the woman’s face falls. Lucretia rushes to explain. “Sorry, it wasn’t supposed to come out like that. It’s-I don’t know you personally, but I know someone who does.”

“Really?” The woman-who-is-probably-Julia looks at Lucretia with naked yearning in her eyes.

“You  _ are _ Julia Waxmen? Of Raven’s Roost?

The woman-who-is-probably-Julia-but-is-running-Lucretia-through-the-fucking-wringer smiles helplessly at Lucretia. 

“I don’t know.”


	3. Chapter 3

“What?” 

The woman-who-apparently-doesn’t-know-if-she-is-Julia drums her fingers against the side of her neck in a nervous beat. “Do you mind if we sit?” She asks, glancing around uncomfortably. “This isn’t really a...standing sort of conversation, I don’t think.” 

Lucretia blankly motions for the other woman to go ahead and do so, sinking slowly into her own seat.

“Could you-would you mind explaining what you mean that you don’t know?” Lucretia asks, even as her mind races through a thousand different possibilities, each worse than the last, and how was Julia actually being dead and this being a complete stranger somehow one of the least awful possibilities? 

The woman across the table looks at Lucretia for a long time, eyes steady and intense. Her gaze is searching and Lucretia has to put in some effort into not shifting uncomfortably. When she begins to speak, it is halting, as though she is choosing each word with care. “I don’t know if you’ll believe me-” she starts off, before stopping.  She fixes that intense gaze on Lucretia again, for another long moment, before seeming to make up her mind. "Fuck.” She exhales wearily and drags a hand through her auburn curls. “It’s not like it’s a secret." She swallows hard and plunges forward. "I don’t remember my past. There.” She raises at her eyebrows at Lucretia in challenge as she leans back in her seat, arms crossed across her chest, defiance masking defense.

“But your name is Julia?” Lucretia ventures, desperate to grab at a straw,  _ any  _ straw. 

“That’s right.” Julia-who-may-or-may-not-be-Magnus’-Julia nods. “At least, I’m pretty sure it is. It’s the only thing I knew when I woke up. And yourself?”

“I-you can call me Lucy.” 

“And you say there’s people out there who know who I am?” 

“Yes.  If you are who I think you are, you have an entire community who knows you _. _ ”  

“Is that right?” Julia-who-might-not-be- _ the- _ Julia looks startled for a moment, her arms falling from their locked position, back onto the table. And then she smiles, but there’s something horribly wrong with her expression. There‘s a tightness around the corners of her lips, a hollowness in her gaze that speaks to some sort of melancholy that is completely at odds with the revelation that there is a group of people who would call her theirs out there,  _ somewhere.  _

“I’m sorry, did I say something wrong?” Lucretia asks cautiously. The women blinks at her, snapping out of her curious melancholy, before shaking her head.

“No...no, not at all!” The woman tries another smile, but it is as tense as the first one was. “I’m grateful if it’s true, truly, it’s just…this isn’t how I expected to find out that I might...belong somewhere. I don’t-shit, all my words are coming out wrong...there was supposed to be more of a reunion if there really-do you understand what I’m trying to say?”

Lucretia, to her chagrin, finds that despite the disjointed words, she  _ does  _ understand. How could she not? A decade on her own with a captain who didn’t remember her from Adam, of course she’d dreamed about the day that she’d be reunited with her family after fixing everything. What else could have kept her going through all those years if not for that? Oh, there would have been anger, of course she'd known would be angry, but they could have moved past that if she could just explain, if she could just  _ fix  _ things. Fix them, maybe, if she found Lup along the way.

But that had just been a pipe dream, hadn’t it? Another reminder that, despite her best efforts, she destroys everything she touches. 

“I’m sorry.” Lucretia says softly, and reaches across the table, covering the top of Julia’s hand with her long fingers. Julia looks down at her hand and back at Lucretia, blinking furiously. 

“Th’hell are you sorry for?” Julia asks shakily, voice thick, and Lucretia shrugs helplessly, hand squeezing Julia’s ever so slightly. 

“I’m sorry I’m not the grand reunion you were waiting for.” Lucretia smiles weakly. 

“It’s not that.” Julia says heavily. “I just-I thought that once I knew someone was looking for me...I’d  _ remember _ , you see? And it’s that-you say there’s a whole group of people who care about me, but I’ve been here  _ five years,  _ and no one’s come looking for me! So what am I supposed to think but that-” Julia chokes and Lucretia’s heart almost stops with the display of despair in front of her. 

“ _ It’s not like that.”  _ Lucretia says desperately, sliding her other hand across the table and holding both of Julia’s hands in her own. “They didn’t know you were here! If they’d known, they’d all be knocking down every door in this damn town looking for you.” 

Julia’s eyes are cloudy when they meet Lucretia’s gaze. “They...they didn’t know?”

“No.” Lucretia says firmly. “I’m sorry that no one’s come for you all this time, but we thought you were  _ dead.  _ We didn’t know you were alive, let alone here.” 

Julia looks stricken. “Then he lied to me.” She breathes, sounding stricken.  “No, that can’t be right. Why would he have lied to me? Something must have happened to him.” She meets Lucretia’s eyes, wild-eyed with worry. “He told me he’d tell someone that I was alive. I-I thought that when no one came, everyone that knew me was gone.”

“Who told you that?” Lucretia frowns again. If someone had known about Julia's survival, Magnus or Lucretia would have heard about it, surely. Someone would have come and told them, it’s impossible to think they wouldn’t.

Julia fixes those hazel eyes on her, and almost stops Lucretia's heart when she speaks.

“Kalen.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will I ever end a chapter without a small cliffhanger? Who knows?


	4. Chapter 4

For a moment, Lucretia can’t breathe.

“ _ What _ ?” Lucretia exhales finally, afraid to speak too loudly, for fear that she will crack and shatter.

Julia frowns, clearly confused by Lucretia’s visceral reaction, and cocks her head. “Kalen? Do you know him?” 

“I know the name.” Lucretia responds shortly, her overworked brain racing again. Again, how is Julia being  _ dead  _ somehow the least terrible option in all of the possibilities roaring through Lucretia’s mind?

“Do you-do you know what happened to him?” Lucretia regards the other woman carefully. Something about this situation isn’t adding up up. Julia-and it seems more and more likely that it  _ is  _ her-knows the name Kalen, but nothing else.  _ But,  _ Julia also knows that the mayor of their town is dead but doesn’t know what happened to Kalen, so in her head those two clearly aren’t the same entity.

Lucretia would very much like a glass of wine, or eight. 

“I’m not...certain that the Kalen I know is the Kalen you’re referring to.” Lucretia says, not believing a damn word that’s coming out of her mouth and just  _ barely  _ on this side of lying through her teeth. She thinks a moment longer before leaning back in her seat, eyebrows knitting together. “I think,” Lucretia says slowly, picking each word with care, “That before I say anything, it might be best if you tell me what you remember. And I can try and fill in the gaps for you, if any.” 

Julia looks at Lucretia again, gaze hard and desperate in the same moment, and nods. “Okay.” She drags her hand down her face. “Okay, let’s do this. I’ve gotta get my thoughts together, give me just a moment-”

“Julia! Time to go!” 

“ _ Fuck.” _ Julia swears softly, glancing behind her. “Listen, I’ve got to run to work but I get off in a few hours. Will you-will you stay? I don’t know if you’re heading anywhere in particular, but if you could just stick around for a little bit? Please, I can-I can compensate you for the trouble if you want, I know this is asking for a lot, but-” 

Lucretia holds her hand up and Julia stills, blinking rapidly. “I’ll be here.” She says softly, and Julia exhales, having held her breath. “But not tonight. This is a lot, I think, for both of us. I don’t want to rush this conversation or to have it when you’re tired after work. Do you work tomorrow?”

“I can get someone to cover me.” Julia says immediately, and Lucretia smiles wryly.

“Then I’ll meet you first thing tomorrow.”

Julia nods slowly and smiles ruefully in return as she stands. “To be honest, I don’t see myself getting much sleep tonight.” She tells Lucretia. 

Lucretia chuckles quietly in response, also getting to her feet. “I don’t see myself sleeping much, either.” She admits kindly. 

“Where are you staying? I’ll come to you-”

“I need to take care of some business tonight outside of town.” Lucretia says evasively. “But I’ll be back tomorrow morning.” Julia’s expression suddenly turns anxious and Lucretia smiles as reassuringly as she can. She rests a hand on Julia’s shoulder and nods towards the door. “I mean it.” She says, and gently nudges her towards the door. “I believe you said you had work? Please, don’t get in trouble on my account.” 

Julia nods haltingly. “Yes-of course.” She takes a step away before whirling around again and grasping Lucretia’s hands in hers. Lucretia stiffens, startled. “Thank you.” She says, seriously. “I mean it. This-you don’t know how much this means to me.” 

Lucretia just smiles, feeling like a farce. Julia lets go of her hands reluctantly and steps back slowly, as though afraid that Lucretia will fade like a mirage if she takes her eyes off of her. 

“ _ Julia! _ ” Comes the same voice again, from the entrance of the bar this time. 

“The Cock’s Crow.” Julia says quickly. “They have a killer breakfast scramble, if you think you’ll be able to stomach some breakfast tomorrow.” She turns towards the door and pauses again, glancing back. “You promised.” She says desperately, and Lucretia nods, even though she did no such thing. 

“I’ll be there.” Lucretia says. 


	5. Chapter 5

As she'd expected, Lucretia doesn’t get much sleep that evening. She doesn’t even get to the point of tossing and turning, choosing to, instead, look through all the files she had amassed regarding Raven’s Roost. She had collected so much data, _so much,_ before she had ever entrusted the craftsman community with Magnus and then done so much research after, when Raven’s Roost had collapsed and she’d feared that…

Well. No point dwelling on the past.

Lucretia pores over her papers in the darkness, with only her table lamp for company. Her eyes burn over everything pertaining to Magnus and Julia, especially Julia, searching for something definitive that will ensure that the woman she’d spoken to this morning really was her. She feels it in her bones that it must be her, can even feel it in the ache of her heart...but her heart’s made terrible mistakes before. She can’t be wrong again; there’s so much more than her own heart at stake here.

And she knows, even if she can't quite put it into words, that the other reason she can’t sleep is that she cannot bring herself to go into her bedroom, where another woman’s husband is sleeping in her bed. _Hers first_ , a desperate part of her screams, even as a more tired, resigned voice inside of her reminds her that she had been the one to first let him go too.

She hadn't expected Magnus to be in her office-slash-living quarters with dinner when she'd returned. And then something horrible had eaten at her stomach as she'd realized that, somehow in this whole mess, it hadn’t occurred to her that she should let him know immediately. In all fairness, she had gotten his name out, admission heavy on her tongue. But when she saw his bright, open face in front of her, she’d faltered. Even now, when she was alone with her own self and dark thoughts, she couldn’t say whether this reluctance came from a dark part of her that couldn’t bear to let Magnus go or a part of her that desperately wanted to protect Magnus from being hurt in the chance that she was wrong. It was neither; it was both. She doesn’t know.

What she does know is that right now she can’t bring herself to rest in Magnus’s arms, not when she is holding back something so important.

Tomorrow, she tells herself, poring through her papers, she will know what to do. 

* * *

 

In the end, she still ends up catching an hour or two of shut-eye after falling asleep on her office desk, sprawled across the files. She only realizes this when she realizes that she's being gently shaken awake. 

“-wha’shit?”” She mumbles into her elbow, turning her head towards the source of the person harassing her in her own office.

“Sleepyhead.” A fond voice rumbles near her ear and she cracks an eye open-and almost propels herself to the other side. Magnus smiles brightly in response, his face too close to hers, which means he must have squatted down next to her. She shakes her head to clear it and realizes she is sleeping on top of papers pertaining to Magnus and Julia. She scrambles to try to shove them into a corner but Magnus must have seen something, because he places a hand on her arm and peers over her shoulder.

“Reading up on Raven’s Roost?” He asks curiously, and Lucretia flushes, mind racing as she tries to think of a suitable reason that isn’t, “hey, I think I might have found your dead wife alive but she doesn't remember jack shit, and  I don’t know enough about her to trigger her memory, so I was doing some research.”

“I-I realized I didn’t know a lot of your time after I-after I left you at Raven’s Roost.” Lucretia blurts out and Magnus raises an eyebrow at her.

“I must have told you stories.” Magnus tells her, sounding amused, and Lucretia flushes further and looks down, misses the way that Magnus’ pupils dilate in response.

“Yes, of course.” She murmurs. “I just-I wanted to know more. About how you spent your days, everything that I missed out on.”

Magnus clears his throat before resting a gentle hand on Lucretia’s knee. “You could just ask me.” He says quietly. “I’m always happy to tell you anything you want to know, especially about Raven’s Roost.”

“I just might.” Lucretia responds softly and Magnus stands abruptly.

“Whelp, that’s settled then. I just wanted to tell you I was heading out to go pick up the dogs, and I couldn’t find you. Get some sleep, you dweeb.” He tells her and Lucretia makes a face at him.

“Don’t be mean.” She tells him petulantly, and he laughs. 

“Yeah, yeah.” He leans down and presses a kiss to Lucretia’s head, lips lingering over her forehead. She sighs, feeling like he’ll fade away if she lets him leave like this, and reaches up to stroke the side of his face fondly.

“I love you.” She tells him bluntly, and Magnus makes a startled noise.

“Warn a man, Luce!” He protests with a laugh. “Is everything all right?”

She shrugs. “Just wanted to say it.” She says and Magnus groans.

“You’re going to be the death of me, Luce.” He tells her as he leaves, and she watches him go, fond smile dancing over her lips.

The smile fades all too quickly as the door shuts behind him and she's reminded of her resolve from last night, to stay away from another woman's husband, and how it had crumbled to dust in the light of morning and Magnus' smile. 

She's weak, she is realizing, and she doesn't know what to do. 

**Author's Note:**

> To be continued...because I have no self-control.


End file.
